About a month or so ago I had “Hamilton” playing in the car. And while I drove with Lin Manuel rapping on and on about “legacy, legacy, legacy,” I started thinking about what that means for all the lay-people like myself who aren’t fighting a revolution or dueling in Weehawken. Or like, writing the American Constitution.
I was struck by the idea that I don’t really know what I have to leave behind, and I’m due to be 30 years old in March.
Now, I don’t mean to be morbid. I know it’s not typical to really have a legacy until later in your life–but when you’ve been as far out on the diving board of life as I have, you start thinking about that earlier (and, of course, 2020 hasn’t really made us feel like we’re gonna live forever).
I realized, yes, I’d have friends and family who would tell stories about how smart and charming and witty I was.
And I’d have this blog (until the website bill stopped getting paid–more on this later).
But what could I have to truly commemorate my being here on this sad little planet?
Many of you have told me you think I ought to write a book, and it’s always been my intention to do so at some point in my life. I’d always imagined “at some point in my life” being “at some point when the world has discovered my genius and Simon and Shuster are offering me a million dollars for my autobiography.”
And then I thought…
Books. Internet. Electronics.
Oh, my god, I could write and self-publish an E-Book.
And so that is what I’m going to do to commemorate my 30th birthday! Not necessarily for you, the reader. More for me, so I can die knowing I left a true legacy of “whiny white girl” behind me.
I am writing an E-Book, and you can expect it sometime mid-spring, likely on Amazon.
I’ll keep you abreast of all the deets.
So anyway, I’ve been working on it, and I decided to share today the introduction to my Untitled E-Book! I am censoring the swear words for this website because this is a family friendly blog (kind of?).
But the book is going to be uncensored and probably a bit SAUCY.
Like, the first chapter so far is mostly me musing about how the first 5 years of my life I associate with getting yelled at by my mom for having my hands down my pants.
“Jesse Rose, where are your hands, young lady!?“
I’m sure Freud would have something very sexy to say about this, but in all honesty, it was just very warm down there, and I found it comforting.
But I digress.
After this little sneak peak to my E-Book project, I am going to have a button that makes me very uncomfortable.
But, alas, I started this website two years ago when I had a very well-paying job, and now it is “the worst of times” and it’s time to renew my website…which costs a pretty penny.
If you enjoy my writing and find yourself financially capable of kicking in a dollar to help me renew my website, I would be forever grateful, and would honor you with a “thank you” in my E-Book, entirely separate from the page about baby Jesse putting her hands in her pants.
If you are unemployed like me, or having trouble making ends meet, please do not donate.
If you can only afford to help one cause this holiday season, please DON’T make it this one.
End of begging. I promise to never ask again. My shenanigans will always be free.
Until my E-Book is done. That’ll cost ya.
BUT, ALAS, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO:
Introduction (Jesse’s Untitled E-Book Insanity)
I’ve dreaded my 30th birthday since the day I turned 25.
It’s, like, the “thing” you do.
You act like you’re so ashamed to turn 30 because I guess it’s officially when you start being considered “old” by “young people.”
“Ew, don’t invite Stacie…she’s, like…30.”
You know what I mean, right? As if Stacie had a choice in the matter?
Stacie had ZERO choice. Stacie is still the same person she’s always been, except she’s probably just BETTER and wiser and OVER your 22 year-old BS because she remembers when she was 22 and stupid.
But I digress.
I don’t actually know who Stacie is, I made her up and I’m a little irritated with myself for spelling it “ie” and not just “y”. Something about “a-c-i-e” bothers my eye.
STOP, STOP, IT’S NOT ABOUT STACY OR STACIE.
It’s about how somewhere along the line, getting older stopped being cool, and we’ve just accepted it as, like, a “rite of passage.” It’s when you start getting birthday cards that say, “WOW, ANOTHER BIRTHDAY!?” on the front.
It used to be cool to get older. Like, remember when we WANTED to be the older kids, and go to the school dances, and touch butts under the bleachers and shit?
And like, we couldn’t wait to be old enough to walk around the mall by ourselves and buy copious amounts of thongs even though they’re about as comfortable as a bicycle seat to the vagina? (I have personal experience in this matter and it is not a pleasing sensation).
But then, seemingly out of nowhere, we get this sure sense that it’d be best to just not have anymore birthdays…
I certainly did. As I said, from 25 on, I felt like a ticking time bomb. Like I only had 4 more years to become “successful” and “perfect” and “beloved among my peers” before I’d turn back into a pumpkin.
Like, at age 30 I would immediately become fat and matronly and unf***able and dried up (sorry, Ma).
Basically, I can only describe it as this overwhelming feeling that I’d better be successful before I start the next decade of my life, because after that, I was no longer going to be beautiful and physically desirable , and therefore, I’d have trouble getting ahead in life.
Really, truly. That is what I’ve boiled the feeling down to. It’s an old societal belief that runs so deep it’s encoded into our female DNA.
And, of course, there are a slew of other paranoias and psychological traumas that feed into it–and we’ll get to that.
But what I’m starting to come around to–what I’m really only just starting to grasp…is that I think perhaps my entire twenties were an intricate obstacle course designed specifically to exorcise the demons of my childhood and teenage years.
Because I started my twenties under the impression that my biggest demon was the cancer that ravaged my body for a year and a half in my late teens, and once I “got over” that, I’d be a fully formed person! But you know what I keep hearing?
I keep hearing that illness manifests from something else. Something psychological or intrinsic. Something often unfelt and lying dormant.
Like, that cancer demon? He showed up because some smaller demons were already there, and they were like, “hey cancer, we’ve been haunting this b***h for years, and she still hasn’t caught on, so you should come check her out. She’s got big tits and no spine–she’ll def let you take over for a bit.”
Yeah…I’m starting to think my biggest demon was propped up by a bunch of little crony demons doing Jets/Sharks dances all over my f***ing cerebellum.
But enough about demons. Instead of falsely psychoanalyzing your own mind, grasping at straws in an attempt to put together the puzzle of your true “self,” it is widely accepted that therapy is the best course of action to work through the ash-heap of your past.
You should do this. You should 100% go to therapy because it is amazing and even if you don’t feel less crazy when you’re done, you’ll at least feel like someone else held up the weight of your “crazy” for an hour or so.
I, however, have decided to write this book.
This book is my new therapy. This book is me exorcising the demons of my first thirty years, so that I may be reborn like a f***ing phoenix or some sh**, and be a sick-nasty thirty year-old BAMF (preferably one who never wrinkles and stays young-looking forever).
This book is me making it “cool” to be older and wiser again.
It is me, giving you the weight of my crazy for 200 pages or so.
Hope ya been liftin,’ betch.