I didn’t post last week. You’ve all been flooding my inbox and text messages and sliding into my DMs like “omgggg Jesse where you been, girl, what have you been up to you’re so fascinating I need to know what series you finished on Netlix and if you solved world hunger and what you’re listening tooooooooooooo.”
And the answers are Bates Motel, No, and “God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman.”
Also nobody asked those things.
Nobody even noticed I was gone.
Not one of you.
And so I was like “f**k them they don’t even miss me.”
But then yesterday I got an email from a total stranger via my contact page saying “hey I found your website you’re really funny” and I was like:
So I decided to forgive you all.
I’m still chillin’ over here restyling and re-imagining myself every single day. Last week I thought it might be nice to look for work on a Christmas tree farm, but then I remembered “hard labor” and “cold” and “outside” and “people” and “axes”.
This week I might be a paralegal and next week could be anything from lunch lady to literally Kristin Wiig’s “Target Lady.”
But actually I’ve been thinking “hey, Jess, maybe the rest of fun-employment should be dedicated to establishing good habits and undoing bad ones so that when you DO go back to work you can be the bestest, most functional d**n lunch lady or Target lady or Christmas-tree-cutter-downer that ever lived.“
And then I was like “ooooh, that’s good. Write it down in your diary.”
And then I was like “omg you don’t KEEP a diary.”
And then I was like “I’ll START with keeping a diary.”
So I started keeping a diary, and my next goal is to maximize the time I’m awake between 6:45am and 7:45am.
So my boyfriend wakes us up at 5:45am (for his “j0b”, EYEROLL) and then I fall back to sleep until 6:30am, when he insists on waking me up to “chat” for a few minutes before he leaves (for his “j0b”, EYEROLL). Even though sometimes I can be cruel and hurtful and say things like “I want to punch you in the face with pointy blood-diamonds on every finger.“
I am very protective of my sleep.
So anyway, he leaves at like 6:45am, and I always decide that while I’m conscious, I might as well check my email JUST in case, overnight, like, someone found my website and wants to give me a book deal…or I’ve been discovered on YouTube and Casey Nicholaw thinks I’m the only actress who can relaunch Broadway…or like, @vintagespadefashion wants me to collab on Instagram to sell their repurposed fiberglass watches (?).
You never know.
SOMETIMES! I even GET OUT OF BED, GET A GLASS OF GREEN JUICE, SIT ON THE COUCH, AND PUT ON MORNING JOE.
However, from there…I just end up falling back to sleep. I need to find something to do–something enticing to groggy-wake-up-Jesse–that will keep me awake and keep up the momentum.
Momentum (n) the quantity of motion of a moving body, as measured as a product of its mass and velocity
WHOA. Sorry. Dating a physics teacher.
K, so, like, this morning instead of making a cup of coffee and free-writing, I cuddled up on the couch and checked in on the Ryan Phillippe/Ellen Degeneres feud, of which I am obviously Team Ryan because of the escalator in Cruel Intentions.
Then I decided I should follow him on Instagram.
Then I realized he doesn’t have Instagram.
Then I stalked a bunch of Ryan Phillippe fan accounts.
Then I watched the Cruel Intentions escalator scene on YouTube.
It was not a process conducive to starting a productive day. That 6:45am-7:45am hour is CRITICAL for me.
So that’s one habit I’m working on.
Or, rather, it’s a habit I’m wishing to change. I don’t know if I can necessarily say I’m “working” very hard on it.
I’m also trying to work on just staying in the present. Mindfulness. Appreciating the fall colors. Appreciating the people around me, the things I have, yadda yadda yadda…
And, see, the thing is, I know that having a stricter meditation schedule would really help with that.
But instead of meditating and focusing on my breath and all that jazz, I seem to prefer READING about mediation and focusing on the breath.
I have read so many books on meditation, mindfulness, and even on habit forming. But instead of finishing the books and then putting the subject matter into practice, I prefer to just read ANOTHER book about the same thing.
Which got me thinking….
MAYBE READING ABOUT MEDITATION AND MINDFULNESS IS MY FORM OF MEDITATION AND MINDFULNESS.
AND THEN I WENT LIKE
OR! OR! OR! I’m ADDICTED TO SELF-HELP BOOKS AND IT’S WHAT THE SELF-HELP BOOK PEOPLE WANT SO THAT I’LL BUY MORE BOOKS!!!!!!!!
And in conclusion:
I should prolly just focus on getting a job.
PS. I voted! And if Joe Biden gets elected, I might just write us all a self-help book for the end of the Trump Era titled“What the F**K Did I Just Watch”
Also, don’t forget you can SUBSCRIBE to my blog on my HOME PAGE! WHOAAAAA then you’ll never miss a SECOND of the EXCITEMENT!!!