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Breaking News: Being “Offbeat” Officially Back on Beat

Happy New Year!  I haven’t posted anything new in 2020—I did a tacky thing where I reshared an old post because I’m lazy—so here’s a little something to make up for it.

I’ve been trying to like…brainstorm where I wanna take this blog and how I can commit to writing more content (ooooh “content” 💁🏻‍♀️) that’s not basically just me rambling about my teeth brushing habits, crying on public transit, and then the occasional golden nugget of wisdom from the cancer survivor-drawer.  

But it’s hard for me to keep up with this blog because all I ever truly want to write about are mundane, day-to-day things. 

Like I wanted to write about how last week the muscle under my left boob was really hurting and is it really a muscle at all?  Let’s explore this, is there something sinister under there?  It really hurts to sneeze and it’s sneezing season!

But that’s really boring.  I can’t write a whole post about that (but lets be real I totally could). 

So I got to thinking about all the feedback I’ve gotten on my blog over the years and I thought of something an old high school friend acquaintance said to me once when she cornered me buying ditalini pasta at Tops Friendly Markets.  She was like “OMG I love your writing.  It’s so offbeat.”

“NO YOU’RE OFFBEAT,  B****.”

But I didn’t say that, I just said what you’re supposed to say back like “oh yeah thanks for reading, and yeah, my writing is offbeat you’re so right, you totally get me, good luck with your screaming 2 year-old.”

And then I thought of something a guy I was “dating” said once: “you write exactly how you speak.”  So THEN I connected the two and was like…okay is my writing offbeat…or am *I* offbeat?  Am I f***ing OFFbeat?

Like I know I’m strange and I got some questionable OCD ticks going on but like…offbeat?  Like awkward?

AM I MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, READER, IS THIS AWKWARD FOR YOU?

Cuz lemme tell ya.  I’m not trying to be offbeat.  To me, offbeat is a bit overdone at this point.  It’s been played up so much…Kimmy Schmitt chick, Aubrey Plaza, Zooey Deschanel in general like…it’s a brand.

WHICH REMINDED ME OF SOMETHING ELSE someone said to me once about something I posted. 

“Very on-brand.”

On brand!?!?  

I, Jesse No-One-At-All, have a BRAND!? What’s my brand?!? I want to be ON BRAND in 2020!  Brand brand brand brand brand!!!!!

And then I thought…maybe mundanity IS my brand.  

I HAVE to write about my under boob muscle.  And my teeth brushing habits.  And how I cried today on the 1 train because it’s the first day of my period and I have no idea what I’m doing ever.  

And guys, I got so excited thinking about all the mundane blog posts I could write like…my god, check out this list of “on-brand” ideas:

  • I feel genuine guilt at commanding Alexa to do something—I know she’s not real but I’m always thinking that the universe and maybe like…the spirit world (?) are watching me be on this powertrip and my grandma is thinking “please and thank you’s, Jesse, don’t be an a**hole”  
  • I carry a clear purse now because I want to be able to see inside my bag at all times so I can make sure bed bugs don’t sneak in my purse from someone on the train or that lady from Chipotle that wears a neck pillow all the time.  I think it’s genius…some seem to think it’s a little crazy—but you say tomato, I say YOU’RE JEALOUS.
  • Are we still picking up heads up pennies?????  What’s the rule now?  If it’s tails up do you fix it so someone else can find it heads up and so then you both get good luck because of the good karma you did?  I’ve been trying that lately as long as the penny doesn’t look too germy.
  • I think it’s important that everyone watch Criminal Minds so they can make a plan for how they’d avoid all of the horrifying things that could potentially happen to them.  Like I’ve got a fool-proof way to avoid getting kidnapped by the guy who paralyzes you and then force feeds you someone else’s fingers, and maybe, just maybe it’s time for me to share that with the world…
  • My f***ing slippers are never right next to me when I need to slip them on and so WHAT EVEN GOOD ARE THEY? If my bare feet have to touch the floor while I LOOK for my slippers then why do I even have them at all YOU’RE USELESS, SLIPPERS JUST GET OUTTA TOWN!

I think maybe this could go somewhere.  Maybe I write these posts and maybe they’re not all genius—but they’re me.  They’re on brand.  

And then maybe I’ll have a day or two where I’m ready to talk about my feelings and it’s cheaper to just write about them than go back to therapy.  

  • Example feeling/thought:  If you never do anything incredible or extraordinary or even mildly impressive in your life but you always make enough to pay the bills, travel a little, and spend time with family/friends…will you look back in the end and still regret not having done anything extraordinary?  I mean, I know we’re all supposed to think NO, OUR HAPPINESS IS ALL THAT MATTERS.  And LOVE YOURSELF no matter what and yeah yeah yeah…but is that truly all? Will it be enough…? I don’t know!!!

This is gonna be a good year for blogging, I can feel it. It’s just the beginning.  You’re gonna love it, wanna know why?

Because you’re just as f***ing mundane as I am.  

And you know what ‘mundane’ truly is?  

Real.  NOT offbeat.  Just real.

Stay tuned…

Just kidding I can’t in good conscience end a blog post with ‘stay tuned’.  Instead here’s the lyric to the song I’m currently listening to:

“You think you got it.  Oh…you think you got it.  But got it just don’t get it when there’s nothing at all…” 

WOW couldn’t have said it better myself 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 

By Jesse Pardee

Stream of consciousness blather about my blackheads and mindfulness quest.